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Saturday, June 27, 2009

confessions

have you ever noticed how its always the small things in life trigger the great changes? a small decision can end a relationship, a new hobby can land you a job but more importantly a small faery card reding can change everything.

the matron of the younger girls here, sue, started it all. sue is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. her life has defiantly had its ups and downs and out of respect to her i wont mention any such events. yet she loves magic, she inspires the girls, she creates wonders but more importantly she believes. she believes in redemption, she believes in change but more importantly she believes in me. it seems that everyone in my world here believes in me. ive never had so much support in my life. ive never been in a world when everyone believes that i can achieve anything ive wanted. back home ive had the support from my family and friends which i am eternally grateful for, but they accepted me for who i was, whereas here i am accepeted for who i am going to be.


a few hours ago sue offerred to take my faery wisdom reading. she laid the cards out and told me to pick 3 from the deck. it was uncanny how accurate the reading was. i wont tell you the details because it was a private reading. anyway due to the accuracy of the reading sue got her second deck out, a faery healing one, where she once again to my reading. the card carried the exact same message as the previous deck. it was uncanny.

i dont like sharing. my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions are mine and mine alone. most people around me know that. emotions are weakness. they bring you down. or so i used to think and part of me still does and always will.

but i am changing. i NEED to change. so here are my confessions, the thoughts of myself i never shared or have only just realised. the thoughts that need to come out if i am ever to change. if i am ever to become the person who is the best of me.

the thing that mostly bugs me, the worst trait i had, was selfishness. i believed myself to be completely selfless, taking on other peoples problems, in a show of helping them yet i realise that it was attention seeking behaviour. all those issues i had, i never should have carried. even when it got so much that i tried to kill myself i thought i had a hard life. i PITIED myself, the victim. but i was only a victim because i allowed myself to be. and i will never again let myself sink so low, become something so morally fucked.

so i apologise to my friends, my family who i always put second because i was unable to deal with them, for putting them through hell because i wasnt fit enough to deal.

and im sorry mum, even though u will never read this for not being the daughter u deserved. for shutting myself away rather then reaching out. im sorry i was never the person you wanted me to be but i hope that ive become someone you can be proud of.

and so begins my cleansing process. i need to and will, cleanse myself of all my issues that ive carried with me. all the problems i have with my mother, all the issues with H, all the guilt i had over maddy and any other things that plauged my mind.

because i want to come back free, i want to have a new slate and i WILL be different.

so there are my confessions. they will probably never happene again but i need some record that they did happen. something to prove the turning point in my life.

from a hopeful,

Helsinki

3 comments:

CEDRIC said...

babe im so proud of you! that seriously made my eyes well up, and if you want i can print it out or email it to your mum for her to read.

i love you, and it fills my heart to hear you so happy!!!

xx.

Helsinki said...

thanks tash but i spoke to my mother already via skype. i thought it was better i told her.

u would be so proud of me.

Helsinki

The Enigma said...

wow...
A very in-depth blog post kat!! Quite a change from 'have a look at all these hot topless men!' heh heh!
I just found out many things i never knew about you. It takes courage to put something like that to paper... or blog post, however you entitle it.
But I'm confused - why did you see yourself as a victim? You say it was because of something 'morally fucked' and i don't know what that means...
This seems to be the year of changes, isn't it? I hope this change is good for you :)